The Vrolijk kerstfeest Edition
With apologies to Clement Moore
The Subliminal Night Before Christmas...ish
'Twas the night or three before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring though several are snoring, not even a mouse Oh Dixie I didn't mean a REAL mousie...settle down...sit...good girl..want a cookie?;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there and praying to God Willow doesn't reach up and drag hers down and chew it to shreads;
The children from your mouth to God's ears were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads (sugar plums dancing? methinks those kids need to lay off the pixi stixs);
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap because we dress like Dickens characters to go to sleep?,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap and if I take any more cold medicine it could be a looooooooooong winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter probably that evil neighborhood kitty that peed at me when we first moved in...yes Dixie I said 'kitty' sheesh...have another cookie and chill out.
Away to the window I flew folks at that time of night I ain't a flyin' anywhere much less to the window like a flash,
Tore open the shutters what? and then have to hear my wife yell at me for tearing shutter and threw up the sash hmm must have been some bad sash to make me throw it up...how do you know if sash has spoiled though? does this sash look bad to you? does it smell funny? no, then it's probably good then
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow just what the snow needs...a wardrobe malfunction
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer yeah but when you live with a stopmotion animation character fabricator miniature sleighs are commonplace,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. Or crazy uncle Ed coming home from a night at strip club
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came Not even touching that line,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! Vixen? I told you it was uncle Ed coming home from the strip club and you just didn't believe me
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Where does a guy go to file a damage claim against Santa for ruining his porch and wall. Reindeer hoofprints don't come off with club soda y'know?
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly oooh complex similies...I've got a busted porch here, Roger Ramjet,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top oh great...this must be what a North Pole home invasion looks like the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof seriously dude, I've got State Farm on speed dial, off the roof okay?.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur the PETA people are so going to nail his ass...fur AND flying reindeer? he's so screwed, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! generally speaking a drunk guy breaking into your house gets 5-10
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow; wait I thought he was covered in soot? poor continuity there.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth and he's smoking too? this has to be the most un-PC poem ever,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, um...we prefer a plus-sized, senior citizen who is vertically challenged
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself cos dude, a fat guy covered in soot is funny;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word because up till now he's been soooooooooo quiet, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk and screamed at me "It's mine, my own, my precccccccious"...sorry I've been watching too much Lord of the Rings lately,
And laying his finger aside of his nose and old Mafia sign that Little Jimmy Fingers has just been whacked,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight this is physically impossible as light travels farther than sound...sorry but I nitpick,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"
Well it wasn't terribly funny, but it's Christmas time and everything is reduced.
So how have ya been? Nice, good. okay let's do me now.
Two days ago it was minus 17. For those of you scoring at home that is a NEGATIVE SEVENTEEN. It's one thing when you start your car and it sputters and wheezes...it's quite another when you turn the key and the car says "are you nuts? it's minus 17!!!"
Everyone in the house was pretty miserable by it being minus 17...except Willow who pranced around the back yard taunting everyone with her layers of fur. "what come inside? why? it's so lovely out here. I was just about to do snow angels"
Shell and I will be spending our first Christmas morning in our new house. This will actually be the first Christmas morning we've spent together not at either of our parents house. Of course we'll be leaving right after the presents are opened.
I think I got Shell some great gifts this year...but then again I voted for Kerry and I thought the Cubs would win it all...so what do I know.
I still haven't recieved my grades for the semester though I know I got a B- in my Foreign Relations class (I think the TA who does the grading hates me, seriously), I still have time to pull that up of course. As for my other classes...none of the grades have been reported and since the University if closed until January I'm out of luck I suppose.
I'm trying to read ahead for next semester since I have so many projects to complete. I want to be a few steps ahead for the time when I start to get slightly overwhelmed.
Shell is off until January 3rd as well. So she's spending her time finishing little craft projects and hopefully relaxing somewhat as well. We'll be gone for Christmas and Boxing Day too.
I'm sure I'll have some cool Christmas pictures next time, and I'll also have my year end wrap up which should be interesting. If there's any news event, political or otherwise in 2004 you'd like my take on, drop me a line and I'll include it in my
TGTYIO (Thank God THAT Year Is Over) Edition.
Until then, I bid you all a very Merry Christmas
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