The To Sleep Perchance To Dream Edition

After many long months of putting up with poor sleep, insomnia, snoring etc, I headed down Wednesday night for a sleep study at a clinic in Toronto. I was extremely nervous and the anxiety in the days leading up to the event did not help the situation in the least. Shelley was very encouraging and supportive which helped reduce the nerves. I arrived at the clinic about 45 minute ahead of schedule and sat in the office waiting for the tech to speak to me. Finally she came out and handed me a clipboard...ugh...forms! The two-page questionnaire asked the standards like how much sleep you normally get, typical medical problems etc. It took all of 4 minutes to complete, but they left me sitting there for another half-an-hour. Finally Rosa, as she would eventually introduce herself, showed me to my 'room' which was a bed, a sink, a chair, and a monitor. She told me to make myself comfortable (which had to be sarcastic) and change into my jammies and wait for her to come back and get me. Now I don't wear 'jammies'. I wear shorts and a t-shirt- which was pretty much how I came dressed so my 'changing' consisted of taking off my shoes. I sat in the chair and read my book that I'd brought with me and waited...and waited and waited. By the time she finally came back for me it was around 10pm. She led me into another room, sat me on a stool, and began to wire me up. There was a paste that was slathered onto my head at the 4 compass points and four electrodes hooked up to the top of my head. Then she began slathering my face and another 6 were connected to my face. 2 more to my shoulders. 4 to my legs. They strapped a wire across my nose and two belts across my chest and stomach. All the electrodes were wired into a little box with a strap. I had more cables attached to me than a Macy's Parade balloon. She led me carefully (since I was now covered in wires) back to my room. She told me to lie down and find a comfortable position- which again must have been sarcasm- reminding me that I needed to try and sleep on my back. Now I can't sleep on my back. I have to sleep on my stomach. Here's a story to explain... When I was 15 I was at summer camp in West Virginia. I had an appendicitis and was taken to a local hospital. Luckily my Mom was a camp counsellor and was able to be with me when I went into surgery. As anyone who's been under general anesthesia can tell you, you're out-then awake and somehow time has been lost. I woke up in the recovery room, or I should say half-woke up, and then after a bit they wheeled me into my room. They placed me on the bed, hung my IV, and I could hear the doctor talking to my mom, telling her about the operation etc. I slowly rolled over on my stomach. The doctor and nurses were aghast. I have fresh stitches in me and I'm rolling over on them? They rolled me back on my back. A few minutes later, I rolled back over on my stomach. My mom had to tell them that I'd slept on my stomach since I was a baby and I probably wasn't going to stop for some ridiculous reason like general surgery. They debated (while I could hear them but not respond) about what to do. It was decided that since I wasn't showing signs of being in pain from it, as long as they could keep my IV and other tubes clear, they'd let me be. So back to sleep clinic. After lying down in the bed (on my back) she connected an additional monitor to my finger and then hooked everything up to the monitor in the room. She went back out and talked to me through an intercom next to the bed. She had me move my legs, breathe deeply, blink my eyes etc., all to ascertain whether her computer was reading my signals properly. That took about 15 minutes. Then she came back in the room, told me to relax and have a nice sleep, snapped off the lights and away we go... Now one good thing about my room was that the air conditioning was blasting!! As anyone who has lived with or shared a hotel room with me will attest, I love the frigid temperature. The colder the better. I'm part penguin. I lay there for about a half hour, trying to force myself to sleep. I did all the things I do sometimes to relax- I did Hamlet's soliloquy, state capitals, started counting sheep....unfortunately the sheep turned into Trish Stratus. So I lay there counting Trish Stratuses...I'm sure the computer monitor got an interesting reading about THAT! Anyway, after so much time I tried to turn on my side. I felt a little like Frodo trapped in Shelob's web. It was just impossible to move. At one point I inadvertantly yanked one of the electrodes out because Nurse Ratchet (I mean Rosa) came in and taped me up again (I'll get to the tape later) and then made sure all the lights and bleeps were working once more and off she went again. Another half hour or so and now I've got to go to the bathroom. Great! I buzz the intercom and she comes in, disconnects me from the monitor, and I walk across the hall toting the box of wires- I think that's when I felt MOST pathetic. Back to bed now, rehooked to the big monitor, back on my back (razzin' frazzin') and lights out (thanks, Warden). Another hour. More Shakespeare. I name all the Supreme Court Justices. More Trish Stratus, though now there's Jessica Alba too (hey, I'm a man). I give up and attempt to somehow make it over onto my stomach. I slowly turned, feeling the wires pull against me, the tape (here's the tape fiasco) pull against my legs- she had attached the electrodes to my legs, then taped completely around my leg a few times. I'm a hairy legged man. It hurt at the slighest movement. And then of course was the looming fear of the morning and removing the tape...yikes. I managed to get into a reasonably comfortable position- well as comfy as could be given the situation- and finally, mercifully drifted off to sleep. Until some point at which another electrode became dislodged and Rosa came in, snapped on the lights, and rewired me...by this point I felt more like a 85 Chevette in the shop rather than a human being. At 6am she came in, all Kramer-like, turned the lights on and said "ok, all done". I blearily rose from the bed. She detached me from the monitor and then left the room. No instructions mind you. So I begin to take all the wires off myself. Feeling the lumps of paste on my head, yanking the tape off my face and painfully, from my legs. As I was just finishing up, Rosa bursts into my room and tells me that I wasn't supposed to remove the wires myself...I guess I was supposed to sit there idly for 20 minutes to be unplugged?? Anyway now I was free...except that I had to fill out another two-page form on my way out. *sigh* I have to wait about 4 weeks to get the results, find out what's wrong with me, and if I'll ever get a good night's sleep again. Doctors just confound me. Mostly because I'm afraid they're going to be the one to tell me that I'm dying any minute now. It's as if they're the guy who comes to you during training camp and says, "the coach wants to see you...and bring your playbook". Except in this case the 'coach' is God and the playbook is YOU!! It's Saturday now, and I've really slept poorly since the clinic. Shell has been even more patient with me, more than I deserve I'm sure. I'm just so exhausted that we had to cancel plans with some of the Snyder cousins- due to the bad weather and my even worse disposition (my deepest apologies to Dan, Trish, and Zara for the horrible short notice). Unfortunately this sad tale of a post has to be punctuated by the good news that today is my sister's 30th birthday. I have some stories to tell, but perhaps I'll save them for the next post since, as you might guess...I'm freaking tired. Still Happy Birthday Essie!!! Some photos beyond and such... Wired...and wired and wired..

looks comfy no?

enjoying a birthday party

meeting her new friend Nova

hey this green bowl has no food in it!!!

these keys are tasty

reading her flower book

learing to drink from a sippy cup

when lunch goes horribly awry

quick wardrobe change and posing with the twins, Jaimie and Jessica

a nice stroll in the grass perhaps

mommy makes me laugh

kissing Dada through the glass

look there's my Dada

getting dressed up

look up in the sky...it's a bird, it's a plane..no it's just the sky, nevermind

Dada says I'm pretty when I'm thinking

waving to all my friends

reading a book

making an unfortunate hand gesture...this picture made mommy spit water out of her mouth

these are my piggies

looking contemplative

apparently I was contemplating getting into Mama's magazines...heeeeee

Well that's all for now...perhaps I'll try to get some sleep, fruitless though it might be at least I'm not tethered to a box. Until next time, Cheers